Problems at work? Need advice? Our agony uncle ? and readers ? have the answers
I am upset when my boss is nasty to a team mate. What can I do?
I work in a team of four. From time to time my boss speaks to a particular member in a very aggressive, sarcastic, nasty way in front of us. The colleague quietly defends herself but is visibly upset and has tears in her eyes.
I find this very upsetting, feel my heart pounding in rage, have a lump in my throat, and usually I make an excuse to leave the office. I've never discussed with my colleague how she feels about being spoken to (shouted at) in this way, and at other times she is the first to defend any criticism of my boss by others.
She has worked with my boss for more than 12 years. Whether she minds this treatment or not, I still find it upsetting and do not feel I should have to experience this in the work place, or have to leave my desk to avoid it.
Unfortunately, I do not have recourse to a personnel/HR department because my boss is the personnel director and we are the personnel department. What should I do?
Jeremy says
This is very odd. You wonder if your colleague minds this treatment, but from the fact that she has tears in her eyes it would seem that she does. Yet she's worked for this unpleasant man for over 12 years. One possible explanation is that she's allowed a very unhealthy dependency relationship to develop; and he, it would seem, takes pleasure in exploiting it. Improbable though it may seem to others, she may actually be addicted to this relationship, rather in the way prisoners are sometimes said to be in thrall to their captors. Her defence of the boss certainly suggests this could be the case. There may, of course, be a much more straightforward explanation; I raise the point only because, if you do decide to do something about it, great sensitivity is going to be called for.
Apart from carrying on as before, I can see no alternative to your broaching the subject directly with your colleague; not in the office, of course, and in the gentlest possible manner. Do you ever have a coffee together or a glass of wine at the end of the day?
Perhaps you start by mentioning the latest incident when your boss was publicly offensive. Her immediate response will require very careful interpretation. It may be quite hostile; she may feel her privacy is being invaded and accuse you of prying. If so, you'd maybe be wise to drop the subject immediately. But as you go, do be sure to tell her that you know it's none of your business, but if she ever feels a need for someone to talk to, you'd be very pleased to listen and maybe even offer some support.
Only by gauging her reaction will you be able to sense what, if anything, you should do next. My guess is that she's likely to need another very gentle invitation before taking up your offer. And of course, she may never do so.
I wish I thought that taking it up with the personnel director himself might have a beneficial effect, but I don't. And however well-intentioned, blundering into other people's complicated relationships, when you know far too little about them, runs the serious risk of doing more harm than good.
Readers say
? Be careful what you start. Your colleague could be a whole lot worse off if your boss's criticism (however badly communicated) has a basis. Sometimes it's easier to accept occasional berating rather than face the consequences of a detailed review of performance. confuddler
? When my boss was publicly telling off a colleague I asked him if he could consider doing it in private. I instantly became the target of his bullying and ended up ill with stress before resigning. It's good that you want to support your colleague; I suggest you help her compile a diary of his inappropriate behaviour and take it to a senior director. It's great that she has you as a witness and supporter. katehunter
? Unfortunately this is a near-impossible situation to deal with as the CEO will side with the HR director, and the junior employee will be vilified and probably lose their job. I bet they are underpaid as well.
I think you both need to find better jobs working for a proper HR professional as I doubt you can be getting good development either. ExBrightonBelle
I can't understand why I've been overlooked for a job I did well
I have been working for the same company since I graduated three years ago. I have worked hard and always felt as though I was making progress. I managed my department for six months while my boss was on maternity leave and was told I did this well. However, my boss has recently handed in her notice and I have been overlooked for her position, which has been given to a younger, less experienced member of staff who has never done the role before.
I have never received any criticism from my team, and have received nothing but praise. I don't understand why I have been overlooked. I do not want it to affect my relationship with this colleague, but I cannot help but feel bitter. Is there anything I can do about this situation?
Jeremy says
This is one of the rawest of raw deals to cope with. And your management has made it even more hurtful by giving you no background to their decision. They can't believe that you weren't a legitimate candidate for this job; the fact that you'd managed the department for six months on a temporary basis clearly put you in the frame. You had every reason to expect to be short-listed; and then, if unsuccessful, at the very least, to be told why.
Your disappointment is understandable; but do try very hard not to let that bitterness develop. It's inevitably going to be extremely difficult, at least to begin with, to accept that a younger, less experienced and previously junior colleague is going to be in a position of authority over you. Remember, however, that this new boss is not to blame for your discomfort. If it becomes apparent to everyone that you're at all hostile, resentful or obstructive you'll very soon lose any sympathy that your disappointment may have earned you.
So I'm going to suggest that you do a very, very difficult thing. You should say to your new boss: "I want you to know that I thought I'd be well in the running for this job and was disappointed when I didn't get it. And because I need to know why I didn't, I'm going to ask management to help me understand their decision. But please believe me when I say that I'm not going to complain about you, or suggest that they made the wrong choice. I just need to know their reasons for not considering me so that I can think about my own future."
I think you should meet understanding and even gratitude.
If you judge from your conversation with management that you're still highly thought of, you should try to put this serious setback behind you, and continue as before. Your chance will come again. Only if the signals are less than enthusiastic should you open your mind to a move.
Readers say
? Are you sure your bosses know you really wanted the job? I often hear people complaining that they didn't get something, who, when pressed, usually admit they didn't ask for it but thought it was obvious that they wanted it. If you don't ask you don't get, and other such clich�s ? they are clich�s for a reason. Maybe put your case more clearly in the future and you may get a happier result. ianua
? You say the post has been offered to a younger, less experienced, colleague ? but if you only graduated three years ago and spent six months of that time deputising for your boss you are not very experienced either. There can be a lot of difference between standing in for someone and doing a good holding job, and doing that job for real. Perhaps your colleague has a personality trait or style of working that makes her appear better suited for the role.
Try to swallow your bitterness and ask for feedback from your boss as to why you weren't offered the promoted post, and then accept what is said and work on developing those aspects of your work.
With the experience you do have, your willingness to take on more responsibility, and your ability to accept constructive criticism and build on it, you will be an ideal candidate for a promoted post in another company, and you can wave goodbye to the boss who didn't recognise your value first time around. Good luck. Jazzactivist
? Although you may have been ideal for the role, it is difficult to acknowledge that factor A was more important than factor B in assigning a candidate to a role. For example, some employers work to the delusion that "they would have to be barmy to recruit women of child-bearing age", and will promote guys to the role simply for no other reason than their gender. Also, nepotism is rife, and you may find that someone patently unqualified for a role is assigned to that role simply on the basis of family ties. BeckyP
For Jeremy Bullmore's advice on?a?work issue, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@guardian.co.uk. Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or reply personally.
Read next week's problems on the Money blog from Monday and post your advice ? we'll run the best of it alongside Jeremy's in next Saturday's column.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/jul/01/dear-jeremy-work-advice
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