I'm not sure I'm cut out to be the figurehead of a global jihad
Dear Dr Mander
I have recently started a new job at the head of a large terrorist network. My predecessor in the role was a charismatic leader with a knack for inspiring violent fanaticism.
He was also a household name, which really helped carry the al-Qaida brand. I'm a more low-key kind of character. I can do the whole railing against Zionist-imperialism shtick and I know my way around a Kalashnikov as well as the next bearded guy in a cave. But I'm not sure I'm cut out to be the figurehead of global jihad.
Business isn't so good. We haven't pulled off any spectacular attacks for a while and morale is a low. The campaign to liberate the Holy Land has been hit by technical glitches and our deadlines for establishing a new caliphate are slipping. Recruitment has dried up.
All the Arab kids these days want democracy and human rights, but that's a tough market for a fascistic death cult.
It's the internet, you know. It has really hollowed out our business model. And to cap it all, the CIA is trying to kill me. Of course martyrdom is great but frankly, I could do without this kind of pressure.
Dear Mr al-Zawahiri
It can be hard taking over from a strong chief executive, especially when market conditions are difficult. But your problems clearly run a lot deeper. Demand for your core business is in decline and you don't have a strategy to expand. Religiously inspired murder isn't such an attractive product and your incentive scheme for employees sucks. Paradise is an attractive bonus, but offering it in exchange for a suicidal killing spree must make it hard to motivate staff. You need to think about "decontaminating the brand". Try some high-profile stunts to show your organisation has changed. Get out of the desert. Put yourself in a different context ? the Arctic maybe, with some huskies. Surprise people. Perhaps by not indiscriminately killing them.
Dear Dr Mander
I recently bought a radical agenda from Thatcher & Sons Public Sector Reform Emporium. It didn't come with any instructions but it looked pretty easy to put together. So I just chucked out my old welfare state, which was a bit knackered, and tried to assemble this new model, all based on choice and competition.
I got about halfway through but it turns out to be more complicated than I thought. I keep discovering bits missing. Like my welfare reforms don't look after desperately ill cancer patients and my prison reforms seem to let rapists out of jail. And as for the health part ? well I ended up sitting on the floor in tears of frustration surrounded by bits of primary care trust.
My friend Nick came over to "help", but he's as clueless about this stuff as I am. The thing is, the old state wasn't technically mine. I borrowed it from some voters. They're coming round later and I'm worried they're going kill me when they see what I've done.
David Cameron
Dear Mr Cameron
Thatcher & Sons is a notorious outfit, known for selling dodgy merchandise. But it sounds as if it's too late for you to go back. What you need is an excuse ? something to fob off on those irate voters. You could try faking a break-in. Or say you had the Labour party round and are only clearing up the mess they left behind.
Dr Dr Mander
I gather that the leaders of the British proletariat, Bob Crow and his comrades, are planning a wave of co-ordinated strike action, bringing the neo-Poujadist-Osbornist regime to its knees. Does this mean capitalism is about to collapse under the weight of its internal contradictions?
Leon Trotsky
Dear Mr Trotsky
Er, yeah, sure. Pencil that in for late June.
Dr Gerry Mander shares his consulting room with Rafael Behr
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