Comedian Zoe Lyons recalls the humiliating gigs she should really have turned down
Some comedians are very good at knowing when to say no to a gig, when your gut is telling you, "God no, don't do this, it'll be horrific." Unfortunately I have this awful knack of saying yes to things and I've made a couple of real clangers.
In my early days I thought every gig could be my last, so I just took everything. I remember one in the West Country somewhere. We arrived to find it was a purpose-built pub on an industrial estate and the landlord said: "Whatever you do, don't mention the murder we had last week in the car park." That kind of set the tone.
When we got in there was no audience and I thought we were going to get away with it, but at the last minute, a couple turned up and the landlord made us do the gig ? four comedians and two people in the audience. They sat right at the back in the shadows so it was as if there was nobody there. I can't say they were the most responsive crowd either ? it was like peeing into a bottomless well, just waiting to hit water. You got nothing back. Actually I've done several gigs like that.
Then there was the time my agent asked me if I wanted to do a ladies' night at an Essex rugby club ? really not my usual sort of gig, but it was great money, �400 I think, so against my better judgment I agreed. But it was properly bad, as rough as guts. I'd been told there was other entertainment but when I arrived it turned out that was the rugby team doing a Chippendale-type show. When I asked if there was somewhere I could sit before the show I got sent round the back, where there were 15 naked blokes.
The gig itself was just awful. The lights didn't work, the sound didn't work, I wasn't what they wanted and they weren't really what I wanted ? I basically died on my bum for half an hour. Then at the end, the guy paid me in tenners and counted it out in the most painfully slow way, "10 ... 20 ... 30 ..." Believe me, counting out �400 like that takes a long time and all the while he was looking at me as if to say, you actually want money for this?
I'm now developing a good satellite delay where I think, will this be horrific, will it be worth the money and so on. I've actually turned down a lot of money since those two gigs; it's just never worth the utter humiliation.
Zoe Lyons is touring the UK from February ? see zoelyons.co.uk for details.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/jan/29/zoe-lyons-my-greatest-mistake
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