From Wagner, Widdecombe and McKeith to Matt Cardle's face on a pizza, this year's shows showcased a carnival of reality television horrors
Another year of reality TV shows is over, and what have we gained from it? A Christmas number one about being punched in the face by your girlfriend, an inevitable Strictly Come Dancing wedding issue of Hello! and Gillian McKeith. Still, let's pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and see what lessons we've been able to learn from 2010's carnival of reality television horrors.
Lesson one: Awful beats competent every time
Wagner, Widdecombe and McKeith. It might sound like the world's most disastrous firm of solicitors, but in reality they're the three figures who came to define reality TV more than anyone else this year. They may not have been particularly likeable ? being, respectively, a reactionary former MP, a poo-sifting pretend doctor and a an overdressed man attempting to trample on the dreams of his teenage competitors ? but their doomed attempts at adequacy resonated with the public more than anything else this year. Why? Because their flaws made them so identifiably human. When we see Wagner muddling up the lyrics of Bat Out Of Hell and accidentally blurting out "Like a gnat of a bell", we actually see ourselves. The obvious moral is that it's always better to fail hilariously than ever succeed at anything.
Lesson two: Talent will out
Fortunately, the democratic nature of reality TV shows is such that the chaff will always be sifted out long before the final, allowing the bland yet proficient to consistently rise to victory. Had Wagner, Widdecombe or McKeith actually won their respective reality shows, all hell would have broken loose. A win by them ? or any of the other joke contestants ? would have struck a fatal blow to the integrity of each programme. Look what happened when Michelle McManus won Pop Idol: the show never returned to television. Something to bear in mind for next year, perhaps.
Lesson three: Judging is harder than it looks, apparently
It isn't difficult to watch a performance and then respond with thoughtful and constructive feedback. However, it's a concept that most reality show judges seemed to failed to grasp in 2010. There was Dancing On Ice's Jason Gardiner, who overstepped the mark by comparing Sharon Davies to an actual human turd. Then there was Strictly's Len Goodman, who tried to give everyone seven points regardless of their ability because the word "seven" happens to be his catchphrase.
On The X Factor, Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh were content to phone in their criticism, relying on about five different phrases between them to judge an entire series. On the plus side, Cheryl Cole didn't cry quite as much as usual, but that's possibly because she'd cried so hard for Piers Morgan earlier in the year that she would have dehydrated completely and blown off in a wisp of dust if she had so much as shed a solitary tear for anyone. And thank God for Dannii Minogue, who managed to be an oasis of sensible, mostly objective criticism this year. And, yes, I did just write "thank God for Dannii Minogue". No, I don't know what's happening to me either.
Lesson four: Nothing spells success like getting your face on a pizza
The final of this year's The X Factor was one of the closest in years. The slightest of changes in public opinion and the Christmas number one could have easily been Rebecca Ferguson's Duffy song or One Direction's version of Forever Young. So what sealed Matt Cardle's victory? In short, it was the moment in the X Factor final when someone from his hometown brought out a pizza with his face on it. The sight of that pizza, and the involuntary bout of hysterical whooping from Stacey Solomon that accompanied it, would rubberstamp his victory forever.
From now on, nobody will be able to win anything ? debates, elections, wars ? unless someone has rendered their face on a pizza with enough accuracy to cause Stacey Solomon to make a noise like an old lady slipping on ice. This is, perhaps, the greatest legacy that reality TV in 2010 will leave to future generations.
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