vallierojas: Ka-pow! Why Brits have gone from villains to superheroes

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Ka-pow! Why Brits have gone from villains to superheroes

With Batman, Spider-Man and now Superman all British under the suits, how has this pop cultural colonialism come about?

With the announcement that Tudors star Henry Cavill is next in line to fill out America's favourite cobalt super-tights ? joining Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man and Christian Bale as Batman ? the British have officially infiltrated the Big Three. And man alive are bored people on the internet ever mildly a-twitter! Superman, Spider-Man, and Batman: America's noblest triumvirate of imaginary white gentlemen sworn to protect made-up cities ? oh, and New York ? from evil clowns, robot man-mollusks and menacingly bald financial wizards! And you're telling me they're supposed to be BRITISH now? This is outrageous. This cannot stand. What did Britain ever do for America? (Besides, you know ? invent it, kind of?) And now you're murdering our heroes and wearing their skin through the hallowed halls of Hollywood? And charging us for it? How dare you, sirs. For shame.

For years ? decades, even ? Brits were our ideal Hollywood villains. Finger-steepling, moustache-twirling, erudite foils to good old-fashioned American brawn. So this sudden change of heart raises some interesting questions. Why do we suddenly trust you to be our heroes ? to be us? Why are we no longer frightened of your fancy accents and national health care? What is figgy pudding? I stopped hating the French and shopping for bacon-wrapped guns on the internet long enough to come up with six possible theories, in ascending order based on how much I actually believe in them. Here goes:

6. America is finally letting go of its regressive and slightly terrifying culture of anti-intellectualism

Hahahahaahaahahaahahaahahaah!!! Good one. No.

5. You're our mom and we just grew up

OK, so America basically came out of England's figurative birth canal, right? And it wasn't that long ago. We've been a petulant teenager of a nation for the last century or so. So you how know when you're an adolescent, your parents are always the enemy? But then when you reach a certain age, you realise that your parents are actually kind of smart and awesome? And maybe you usurped your mom's job as Most Important Country Ever, but suddenly you feel your power slipping away because China is building high-speed trains so fast they go back in time and drop you off at your destination last week, and you just want your mom to come in and tell you how to handle it and that everything's going to be OK? And then you construct elaborate, tortured metaphors to try and explain the funny feelings you're having inside? You know? Ah, never mind. I don't even remember what we're talking about anymore.

4. It doesn't mean anything at all

Listen. I feel awkward mentioning this, but in the average American brain, British people fall into one of three categories. You can be a chimney sweep, you can be a Dickensian caroler, or you can be Simon Cowell. Oh, or Billy Elliott. Four categories. Wait, also Dumbledore! Some of you are wizards! Basically, most of America is not thinking about the UK at all. (If it's any consolation, we know even less about Canada, and we have lived nextdoor to those guys like FOREVER.) Which brings me to my next point ?

3. You're not infiltrating us ? we're appropriating you

I'd wager that if you asked 10 Batman superfans where Christian Bale is from, 11 of them would say America. No one's using a British accent in any of these movies, which means that no one in America (save Anglophiles and nerds) will even know these actors are British. Hugh Laurie, Kim Cattrall, Alfred Molina ? in the popular consciousness, these people are American now. As soon as you come over here and play any role that is not a constable or a singing orphan, you're ours. It's pop cultural colonialism. It's creepy but it's true.

2. This is a dumb question

Christian Bale is hot, Andrew Garfield is darling, Henry Cavill's chin is the Platonic ideal of chinniness, and casting directors know what sells movies.