vallierojas: Chilly Gonzales's career clinic

With a CV taking in pranksta rap, soft rock and Guinness World Record piano-playing, chameleon-like Canadian Chilly is well-placed to drop science on his peers ?

"For me, entertainment is war, and the enemy are the artists," says Chilly Gonzales. "The artist is someone who just pleases himself, or herself ? or maybe someone who thinks that being an artist is a great lifestyle choice, but doesn't have the sack to pull it off. A great entertainer ? he or she is always an artist. But an artist is only rarely an entertainer."

And Chilly Gonzales is certainly entertaining. Rising to notoriety in the creative ferment of electroclash-era Berlin, this Canadian performer has shown a remarkable, chameleonic skill for reinvention; by turns a "pranksta" rapper, classical pianist, Billy Joel-style soft rocker, remixer of the likes of Bj�rk and Daft Punk, inventor of "jazz chess" (see last year's feature film, Ivory Tower), and behind-the-scenes superproducer adding sparkle to rising stars like Marina & The Diamonds, Cocknbullkid and Boys Noize. Not only that, he's a Guinness Book Of Records holder (World Record For Longest Concert Performed By An Individual), after he tinkled the ivories for 27 consecutive hours in a 2009 performance at Paris's Cin� 13 Th��tre.

On the eve of his return to the UK to play a dual-piano show at London's Koko, The Guide finds Chilly in buoyant mood. So much so that he's willing to share his views on how some of his musical peers can raise their game. If entertainment is war, think of this as boot camp ?

Thom Yorke

He's a creep. He's a weirdo. What can Chilly suggest for Radiohead's prince of gloom?

"Radiohead are not my cup of tea. I can't nod my head to it in any form ? it's very [in a disparaging tone of voice] progressive and arty. But there is something iconic about Thom. That dancing video [Lotus Flower] made a lot of people curious. Is he trying to be a good dancer? He's daring you to think it's a joke. I say go further. I dare him to go and make jokes. I would like to see him appear in some kind of Curb Your Enthusiasm-style show. He should do a stand-up comedy tour."

Marina Diamandis

The kooky Welsh singer glanced the charts, but real success has eluded her. Can Chilly help?

"I worked with Marina a little before her album came out. She presented herself as a pop star-in-waiting, which is a huge gamble, totally admirable. But it seems she hasn't quite achieved her goals. I think there's a trend in British music at the moment, with Adele having huge success, Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen ? the problem with Marina is she may just be too beautiful. The women who are big in British music at the moment, they're very charismatic, good-looking, but not quite model-looking. So for Marina, what about some reverse plastic surgery? A few features just a bit off, but still charming, and maybe we can move the needle on those numbers."

Adele

Her latest album 21 has spent 12 weeks at No 1 ?

"I like her. She confirms what I was saying, this new ? I won't say ugly duckling, but this social trend for women who aren't traditionally beautiful.
There's something about being not quite traditionally beautiful in British society that adds a certain credibility ? something that translates to the blues, I think."

Chris Brown

Becoming the poster-boy for domestic violence might not be the greatest career move ? right?

"He's in trouble again ? he pulled this stunt on a big US talkshow. They asked him, like, 'So what was the period like for you when you got caught smashing Rihanna's face in?' But not put like that, very polite. He was supposed to do a performance, and he left the set in the ad break, trashed his hotel room and left with his shirt off. The twist is, it turns out, they'd cleared the questions in advance. So it's really a big publicity stunt. He's just trying to get his Charlie Sheen on. The thing about Sheen is that he clearly hates himself so much, so we can identify. Chris Brown doesn't hate himself. He hates the world. He just needs to get the self-hate on. Then he might become more interesting."

50 Cent

Fiddy reinvented gangsta rap for the noughties ? but how long can one man rap about automatic weaponry?

"There's been a generational shift in rap, and 50 is on that pivot point. He's had a long battle with Rick Ross, a rapper who's a former prison guard. Ross instinctively felt that credibility in rap was moving beyond who had been in the most violent altercations. 50 gambled that the reputation that established him, the guy that had gotten shot, would carry him over, and he did little music in the battle ? he was doing videos, strange wrestling-style pranks, and Ross really showed him up. I think 50 needs to stop doing music immediately and embrace his inner LL Cool J. He needs to make the transition to acting in police dramas. He's in no danger of his legacy being tarnished. He just needs to make people forget he was actually a musician."

Madonna

Madge is no stranger to reinvention ? but has she lost her touch?

"Obviously at some point she's going to have to decide how she's going to spend act three of her professional life. I feel like she needs to find some Sunset Boulevard-esque vehicle, make something really transcendent.
She should be a bit quicker off the mark in finding the right people to work with. But I feel like she still has some amazing masterpiece in her still, probably an acting role. Something that captures that feminine dilemma of ageing."

Rebecca Black

Californian teenager-turned-internet meme, broadly pilloried for her Friday video (119 million YouTube views and counting ?)

"The first time I saw her video, I thought, she's the pop music Bristol Palin [daughter of Sarah, who achieved big US TV success in Dancing With The Stars]. I think she has a chance at a political career. She could really tap into that whole Tea Party movement, that sort of pretty-but-abstinent teenage girl thing that the Palins surround themselves with. I think we're going to see a lot more of these female figures on the American right wing. There's one called Michele Bachmann who's completely batshit. The combination of that wholesome pretty face and that very scary rightwing message can get a very potent result."

Drake

The teen actor-turned-preppy rapper, signed to Lil Wayne's Young Money imprint. Will Gonzo go easy on his fellow Canadian?

"I have history with Drake. It began with him using The Tourist, a song from my album Solo Piano, on his mixtape. But he didn't give me credit, which was frustrating. Then I met him, and he was really charming, Bill Clinton charming, and it was clear he thought he'd done me a huge favour. And he did ? the net result was very positive. He's another manifestation of the post-50 Cent, street credibility universe. He doesn't have a gangsta image, but he's still there with Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne. Recently we went into the studio and did a little music-making together. All I want to say to him is: you're doing everything right. You invented Chilly Gonzales into your universe. Don't change a thing."

Example

Currently riding high with his lairy clubland anthems ? but how can he be in this for the long haul?

"I met him, and he was ? and I mean this in the most positive way, I really do ? he was a real asshole. The first words out of his mouth were 'Oh Chilly Gonzales, you look so much older than in your videos'. I want to see more of that. I think as with most rappers, he'll start to show a little more of the real him over time, and that's great. We need more assholes in the music world. I count myself among them, in my own way. Let's see the prick. Let's see the asshole. Let it out."

Chilly Gonzales plays London's Koko on Thursday, visit koko.uk.com for details