Sunday, October 23, 2011

Rugby World Cup 2011: If only the matches were as epic as the party | Eddie Butler

A friendly New Zealand welcome and plenty of booze, this World Cup has been a ball but not a classic spectacle

At the time of writing, the sun is shining, the waters of Auckland harbour are glistening, the French band, as they have been tirelessly doing for days, are belting out "Hello Dolly" on Quay Street, and all is well with the Kiwi world. As it has been for seven weeks.

The hosts have been fabulous, embracing the outside world, adopting alien teams across the towns of provincial New Zealand with unfailing humour and generosity. New Plymouth, home of the cold war minnow special between the USA and Russia, was a treat, stormy of weather, utterly heartwarming of welcome.

A touch of malice, just to show that this is no plastic facade, was reserved for Quade Cooper, not for being a New Zealander who left to become fly-half for the Wallabies, but because he had a sly dig at Richie McCaw. To have a go at the All Blacks captain, Quade mate, put you in the category of fair game for a pop. He was booed at every turn until he collapsed against Wales, after which he departed Eden Park to resounding applause. Even the panto villain was cheered.

New Zealand had to overcome the dice loaded in their favour: the best team, given home advantage. Could anyone have bent further over backwards to make it easier for them to win the World Cup for the first time in 24 years?

Injuries turned the sympathy vote their way. There was the saga of McCaw and the loose screw in his foot. That and Dan Carter's snapped adductor. New Zealand told us that this World Cup would be won the hard way, and no mistake.

They told us lots of things about rugby. There was a moment of saturation, before a ball had been kicked, when every front page ran the story that room had been found for a television advertisement between the haka and kick?off. It really was time to get on with the rugby.

All in all, though, there seems to have been no overestimation of rugby's place in a nation's life. True, we were spared no detail of Dan's operation to his groin, but when somebody tried to equate the blow to the All Blacks' prospects with the Christchurch earthquake, they were roundly slapped down.

And far more serious comment was reserved for the disaster of the Rena, spilling oil off the coast of Tauranga than for the vicissitudes of a sporting tournament. The sums of the World Cup in these recessionary times may not amount to the profit the International Rugby Board were hoping for, but New Zealand has excelled at laying on what it never promised would be anything other than a bloody good party. This was the World Cup of heavy drinking. Or of heavy drinking reported in the media, and not just by Martin Johnson's England. Ireland gave it some in Queenstown, too, and Piri Weepu, who stood up to be counted on all fronts, dashed off to drag Cory Jane and Israel Dagg out of the boozer.

Add to the drunkenness the mutiny in the French camp ? a breakdown between the coach, Marc Li�vremont, and his players ? and it would appear that rugby is not a very professional sport. How can it be that binge-drinking England can qualify unbeaten from their pool, and a France team without a trainer can go to the final? As the grand day approaches, all that is seen of Li�vremont is by workers on a building site opposite the French team hotel, smoking out of his bedroom window.

And what about dear old Eliota Fuimaono Sapolu and his tweets? If it was obviously a taboo to put Christchurch and rugby misfortune together, it did not stop the Samoan centre and lawyer making a connection between the lack of a decent rest between games and the Holocaust. And then have a go at the Welsh referee Nigel Owens as a racist oppressor of the downtrodden islanders.

All might have been forgiven if there had been some decent rugby. New Zealand ? we sort of take it for granted ? refused to compromise on their open style. Even Wales ran out of style at what became known as the "business end" of the World Cup. The tendency to call the knockout stage by another name suggests that it was not so much KO as asphyxiation. We grew used to "tournament rugby" at the "business end". It taxed our staying power.

The laws of rugby remain an impenetrable mess, at the scrum and the breakdown. Every effort to introduce clarity merely reinforces rigidity. Sam Warburton was not sent off by Alain Rolland, but by the directive from Paddy O'Brien, head of the Refereeing Politburo, that all tip tackles were life-threatening and should be punished with a red card.

And even if the point is conceded that the Wales captain should have known better, one thing is clear: referees enjoy a star status that is inappropriate. They give a running commentary in English during games because communication is important, their mandate stresses. None of them spoke Georgian or Japanese.

How about a minimum of words from the mouths of the whistlers, something short delivered in Esperanto to say when a tackle becomes a ruck? And use their signs for the rest, so that non-English speakers at a World Cup can understand what is going on? As France have proved, teams don't need a coach to go a long way, and there is no need for referees to try to fill the gap with their incessant chatter on the field.

Just when it seemed safe, with only two games remaining, to go to Eden Park without having to shout at a ref, along came Wayne Barnes ? and his touch judge Romain Poite. How could they not see that the pass to Shane Williams from James Hook couldn't have been more forward if it had pulled the winger's shorts down?

The tournament needed a towering game to save it, and never quite found one. Ireland had their three halves: two against Australia and one against Italy. Wales managed more but found that without Adam Jones, Warburton and, amazingly, Rhys Priestland, their approach faltered at just the wrong moment.

Stephen Jones and Hook have been part of the Welsh furniture for years, but it took the arrival of the Scarlets fly-half to show that perhaps the old rivals needed shifting as much as anyone. Priestland and Jamie Roberts forged an instinctive understanding and while these two fired anything was possible.

And then there was England. There's the team, still in denial, still the hapless playing face of an edifice ? the Rugby Football Union at Twickenham ? that needs to get rid of every single name associated with its decline over the past eight years. And if that includes Sir Clive Woodward and the authors of all the so-called independent reviews that are going to pile up across the shires, so be it. You are a damned generation and you should be gone.

As for the team, you do not have to know or care if they were more or less guilty than their headlines would have it. But when their camp left for home a cloud was lifted. You had to go some to be unpopular in New Zealand. Even Quade had a round of applause. England departed unloved and uncheered.


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2011/oct/22/rugby-world-cup-2011-tournament-review

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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Country diary: Derek Niemann

This year I have spent many hours above the old quarry staring at a brick wall. Casual observers may wonder at my lengthy inspections of blankness, turning my back on the panoramic view, ignoring the woods to the side, failing to scan the skies for late hobbies or drifting buzzards. The object of this obsession is not even a building of architectural vintage, but a two-storey 1990s construction of reconstituted stone bricks and concrete sills.

Nobody realises that I am exploring a vertical universe. An ant dawdles over the rock face and a feather-antennaed male mosquito clings fast on four legs, its middle pair thrown over either side of its head like bicycle handlebars. Drilled holes are filled with the tatty silk curtains of last summer's spiders' lairs. The sheltered doorways are where moths turn our day into their night. I often find them here, splayed wings pressed against the wall, cryptic in name and colours, but today there is only a cranefly sitting on the ceiling.

Autumn has brought out the most striking adherents to the building. There is one against the smooth concrete of a window ledge. First impressions are of a splat of paint, with jagged spears bursting out of a central blob. Up close, the eight radiating spokes look like dead conifer needles. This is a harvestman, a flattened creature that does not have the crooked-legged stance of its more familiar cousin. The first time I found one, I thought it was dead and tapped a foot for confirmation. It instantly drew its legs up and lumbered off with a comedy spider gait.

It seems this bizarre animal has not been in Britain long enough to be given an accepted English name. First discovered in Morocco, Dicranopalpus ramosus began shambling northwards through Europe just after the second world war and landed on the south coast in 1957. By the millennium it had reached Scotland. It owes its scientific name to a tiny detail ? the two-pronged palps above its head. I can't help feeling this beast deserves a name that befits its striking appearance.


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2011/oct/21/country-diary-sandy-morocco-spider

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If you really want to hurt someone, call them a Gervais | Catherine Bennett

The comedian says he didn't mean to cause offence. Only the feeble-minded would use that as a defence

Considering how many political-correctness-gone-mad stories turn out upon inspection to be thoroughly untrue, you could easily get the impression that this particular philosophy, along with its hated enforcer, the PC brigade, has run its course.

Whether people got bored with PC, or decided its work was done, or subsided into that passive sogginess that so troubles the prime minister, it is unusual these days to find a loony council accused of rewriting our treasured nursery rhymes or of exchanging Christmas for Winterval.

When, with the notable recent exception of Southwark council's intriguing "Colour Thief" substitute for Guy Fawkes night, did we last witness a cultural cringe extreme enough to inspire once-familiar allusions to McCarthyism, Big Brother, Stalinism, Newspeak, totalitarianism and, most popular, fascism?

Even the BBC's recent messing with AD and BC failed to achieve comparisons with Nazi Germany: epic political correctness fail. Somewhere between 2005 and today, a whole strand of modern life went missing.

All credit, then, to Ricky Gervais for outing the zillions of secret thought police who are still, as it turns out, hiding here unremarked in the manner of the Stasi, on the qui vive for any citizen, such as Gervais, with the courage to exercise his freedom of speech. In this case, as widely reported, the comedian simply likes to use the word "mong", as often as possible, whether as an insult, eg: "Susan Boyle ? looks like a mong" or as a meaningless pun, eg: "Good monging."

Why does he do this? Since it is not, manifestly, to make people laugh, the most convincing explanation is that Mr Gervais needs to act like an obnoxious bully on Twitter in order to make himself look defiantly transgressive and thereby draw attention to the fact that he has a new show starting on BBC2, featuring to transgressive comic effect a dwarf. After an exhaustive search for the perfect title, BBC2 came up with Life's Too Short.

As for "mong", there was always the danger that the sheer scale of Gervais's daring would not be instantly recognised outside showbusiness circles, where, in the face of relentless political correctness, the term has evidently not been censored out of existence. Elsewhere, apparently, the fashion is more for "retard" or, explicitly, "Down's", when people want, in a spirit of malice, to suggest someone is acting like a person with learning difficulties.

Anyway, it took some moments before Gervais's heavy mong-tweetage, which was accompanied by photographs of the comedian pulling mong faces, provoked enough criticism for the talented gurner to retaliate with the following rebuke: "Just to clarify for uptight people stuck in the past. The word 'mong' means Down's syndrome as much as the word 'gay' means happy."

Perhaps the ellipses of Twitter, not always the subtlest of media, explain why it is so hard to connect the changing definition of gay, a word with a wholly benign original sense and which was deliberately adopted by homosexuals, with the partial dilution of "mong", derived from mongoloid, a word first applied to Down's babies in the 1860s and rejected as offensive by clinicians and affected people since the 1960s.

You might as well argue that for Gervais to say "mong" is just like the Duchess of Cornwall saying "wicked".

Actually, if the word is as harmless as he claims, there is no reason why we should not hear the duchess remarking, after an arduous handshaking session: "I feel totally monged out", where mong means, according to Gervais, wearing the mantle of Samuel Johnson, "dopey" or "ignorant".

In reality, according to people on both sides of the mong argument, Gervais is wrong: its meaning has scarcely evolved at all.

Loyal fans have confessed that they, too, love using the word, as part of a proud, disability-derived vocabulary that also includes flid, scoper and spaz.

Others, including close relations of people with learning disabilities, have powerfully described what it is like to be called a mong by thugs who are unlikely to become enlightened on this point when they find they are language-sharing with the world-famous comedian.

Rather than decide, on this evidence, to avoid giving comfort to people who have harried disabled people into the grave, Gervais thought for a bit and created, for the benefit of "the humourless PC brigade", a brand-new word, combining tweet and mongol, "twongols", a coinage which may be as welcome to his critics, since it confirms that he does indeed enjoy jeering at people with Down's, as it is delightful to his supporters, who simply cannot understand why spazzers should enjoy special protection from the thought police.

Are we not, as at least one Gervais fan has proposed, witnessing a return to Nazi Germany? Good point. You certainly have to go back a long way to find this level of extreme, open contempt for disabled people, even if they never benefited as much as other minority groups from the enhanced sensitivity and respect which accompanied the absurder excesses of political correctness. Somehow, without the oppressive censorship alleged by George Bush and today's Gervais supporters, most women, ethnic groups, gay people, religious worshippers, Travellers and, outside the government, fat people really did see a decline in dehumanising incivility from people who only, really, needed to learn how it sounded from the receiving end.

With his choice of disability as the focus for wordplay and tests of his rabble-rousing influence, Gervais has, one hopes usefully, illustrated where habits of political correctness ran out of steam.

Uncomplicated by any humour that would serve the "all great jokes are offensive" defence, his "mong" Twitter stream constitutes a perfect argument for reviving the spirit of PC until people who would never use the N word or speak obscenely to women come to accept the equal barbarity and betrayal of the most vulnerable that is Rickyspeak.

Of course, his personal limitations are also usefully on display. One day, Gervais may wish that some guardian angel or kindly inner censor had stopped him from exposing such a complete affinity with thick playground bullies who target the one kid who can never retaliate.

For every fellow spaz-baiter now worshipping Gervais on Twitter, there will be another who follows the same Twitter stream and notices a dependency on victimisation, as opposed to mental agility, to a degree that might trouble a less confident comedian.

Still, perhaps the dimensions of his talent will be perfectly matched to those of his co-star in the new BBC2 comedy with the title by Mr Pooter. Even if Gervais has disgraced himself it sounds unmissable. How, without watching In Short Order, or Coming up Shortly, or The Long and the Short, or whatever it's called, can we ever hope to understand why Carol Thatcher had to be sacked and the Ross/Brand call was an appalling outrage, while BBC2's self-styled mong specialist gets himself a brand-new show in which he is paid to make fun of dwarfs?

If in doubt, watch his trailer.


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/oct/23/ricky-gervais-offensive-downs-syndrome

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Where's warm in autumn?

There are plenty of places a short hop away where summertime lingers, from Tenerife and Mallorca to South Africa and Jordan

Tenerife

Average high: October 24C, November 21C
If Tenerife conjures up images of 18-30 package holidays and high-rise hotels, you haven't been for a while. The seedier side of the island does still exist, but a new wave of ecotourism is attracting a more discerning visitor, and it's a great place for whale-watching, hiking, and trips to the rugged island of La Gomera.

The Green Traveller website has just launched an online guide to sustainable tourism in Tenerife (greentraveller.co.uk/sustainable-tourism-tenerife), highlighting organic restaurants, nature-based activities and cultural sites. Best of all, the guide has a great selection of rural hotels and holiday lets, such as Casa Las P�rez, a two-bedroom cottage in the southern Granadilla de Abona district, where temperatures seldom dip below 20C, even in the depths of winter. Surrounded by ravines and well off the beaten track, it costs from around �68 a night, minimum stay three nights.

In the less developed north-west, Hotel El Patio in Garachico (i-escape.com/hotel-el-patio) is a rambling coastal estate where doubles cost from ?74 a night (minimum four-night stay). It has a pool and 26 simple, cheery rooms with terracotta floors and views of a banana plantation or a lush courtyard.

Or splash out on Abama (+34 902 105600, abamahotelresort.com, doubles from ?275 a night), one of the island's flashest hotels, with a funicular train that transports guests down to its private cliff-backed beach.
? Monarch (08719 405040, monarch.co.uk) flies to Tenerife from Birmingham, Gatwick, Luton and Manchester from �110 return

Algarve, Portugal

Average high: October 22C, November 19C
A bit like with Tenerife, the accommodation available in the Algarve may surprise you. Muxima (+351 91 601 2830, muxima-montesferreiros.com) is an African-accented, family-friendly eco retreat where guesthouses are encircled by a cork forest and the beach is close by. The rooms have porches or terraces for soaking up the autumn sun. There is 20% off breaks in October, taking the cost for a week to �244pp.
? Ryanair (ryanair.com) flies to Faro from 11 British airports from �146 in October

Costa del Sol, Spain

Average high: October 23C, November 19C
The heatwave may be over in Britain, but it has been a great autumn so far in southern Europe: temperatures were approaching 30C this week on the Costa del Sol. In M�laga, you could stay in the city with its old town and art galleries ? try the stylish Hotel Palacio Blanco (+34 952 549174, palacioblanco.com, doubles from ?75 a night) ? or 15 minutes out of town in Alhaur�n de la Torre. Here you'll find Rancho del Ingles (+34 699 414544, ranchodelingles.com), a self-contained retreat with pool and a choice of characterful villas. Villas cost from ?62 a night, minimum two nights, and are full of quirky reclaimed furniture. The area may be overdeveloped, but you'll be blissfully unaware of that, holed up in your stylish garden. You can rent the whole complex (five villas) or individual buildings. Another delightful property, next door Finca Cardo (holiday-rentals.co.uk/p832968, from �700 a week), sleeps four.

Alternatively, autumn is perfect for walking in the Alpujarras, an hour-and-a-half from M�laga by car. Responsible Travel (01273 600030, responsibletravel.com) has �50 off short walking holidays in Andaluc�a in November. The group hikes pass through pine forests and narrow gorges and are fuelled by plenty of regional food and wine. With the discount a five-day trip costs from �349, including traditional accommodation, all meals and activities, but not flights, departing 3 and 24 November.
? Thomson (Thomsonfly.com) flies to M�laga from nine British airports from �135 return

Mallorca

Average high: October 23C, November 18C
Mallorca is now a serious rival to Ibiza for its gastronomic restaurants, hip bar scene and fashionable crowd. L'Avenida (+34 971 634075, avenida-hotel.com), a super-stylish townhouse hotel in S�ller, north-west Mallorca, is offering winter sun mini-breaks from about �114pp a night for a three-night break in November. The building is a temple to contemporary luxury, especially the bathrooms: Philippe Starck details and roll-top baths. It is two minutes from the town square and 20 minutes by taxi from Palma.
? Easyjet (easyjet.com) flies from nine British airports to Palma, Mallorca, from �71 in November

Malta

Average high: October 25C, November 21C
If you wait until next month to go to Gozo, a small island off Malta, you may lose a few degrees in heat but you'll save more than a few quid. HomeAway.co.uk (holiday-rentals.co.uk) has a cosy 300-year-old farmhouse sleeping five that is much cheaper in November than October (about �354 a week). The weather will be mild, so you'll still be able to make the most of your private pool and roof terrace. There is a wealth of history on your doorstep, from caves where the first inhabitants of Gozo settled to what's said to be the oldest freestanding temple in the world. For those with more mundane concerns, there's a bakery selling freshly baked Gozitan bread within walking distance and the restaurants and bars of the capital, Victoria, are just 2km away.
? Ryanair (ryanair.com) flies to Malta from six British airports from �82 return

Morocco

Average high: October 28C, November 22C
For a short, sunny adventure, north Africa (the peaceful bits) is a great choice. Marrakech is popular, as is the fun coastal town of Essaouira, but some say the city of Fez is more authentically Moroccan. Riad Le Calife (+212 535 762608, riadlecalife.com) is an atmospheric riad in the medina, with a very good restaurant. For a gang or large family, you could rent Dar Tamazerte (01948 770509, marrakechholidayvilla.com) from �250 a night including breakfast and maid service (minimum three nights). This private villa with pool in the Ourika valley near Marrakech sleeps eight.
? Ryanair (ryanair.com) flies to Marrakech from Bristol, East Midlands, Luton and Stansted from �62 return

Jordan

Average high: October 27C, November 20C
Unlike its neighbours, Jordan experienced very little unrest during the Arab spring. It's a stunningly beautiful and historically fascinating country, quiet and small and easy to travel around, and still very warm and sunny at this time of year.

Those seeking a last-minute family half-term break could book one of a few remaining places on Explore's (0845 867 9434, explore.co.uk) group family trip there, departing on 22 October. It's educational but exciting, featuring Petra, crusader castles and Biblical settings. Children will love floating in the Dead Sea and camping out in the desert in a goat-hair tent. The trip costs �1,185 for children and �1,250 for adults, including flights, accommodation in modern mid-range hotels and a desert camp, breakfasts, one lunch and one dinner.
? BMI (flybmi.com) flies to Amman from Heathrow from �200 return in October

Tunisia

Average high: October 26C, November 21C
It's 27C in coastal resorts in Tunisia right now! Whether you want to collapse on a beach, explore historic sites such as Carthage, or shop and stuff your face in a souk, now is a great time for a trip. Lots of companies offer package deals. Seven nights half board at the small Vincci Flora Park in Enfidha, costs �307pp including flights from Doncaster on 19 October through Direct Holidays (directholidays.co.uk).

Or set up your own trip: try Dar Fatma (+216 71 981284, darfatma.com) is a charmingly simple guesthouse in lovely Sidi Bou Said, 20 minutes up the coast from Tunis. All-white rooms, grouped round a blue-and-white patio, cost from ?96 a night B&B.
? British Airways flies from Gatwick to Tunis from �195 return in October

South Africa

Average high: October and November 24C
Now is a great time to go on a South African safari: autumn here is spring there, which means warm weather, reasonable prices and, most importantly, baby animals! If you're lucky you'll spot newborn elephants, hippos, buffalo and impala. Fleewinter (020-7112 0019, fleewinter.com) has a week in October or November in the Kruger region, from �1,180pp including flights, car hire, safaris and three nights in a four-star guesthouse near the Kruger national park, three nights in a lodge near the north of the park, and one night in Tzaneen, Limpopo.
? Qatar Airways (qatarairways.com) flies from Heathrow to Johannesburg from �498 return in November


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2011/oct/14/autumn-late-summer-sun-deals

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Simon Hoggart's week: Last of the summer wine

Imagine a picnic with scalding hot, salty chips, the sun beating down, a view of the white cliffs of Dover in the distance, and a good book to read

? We were back in France last weekend, as I was speaking at a dinner hosted by Guy Boursot. Guy (British, in spite of his name) is the wine merchant who got so fed up with seeing people in the hypermarkets of Calais hauling cases of disgusting fluids, such as cheap Muscadet whose only use might be for cleaning paint brushes, that he set up a shop in the small town of Ardres, just off the autoroute to Paris, selling good French wine at good French prices. The anniversary dinner is held in the wonderfully bourgeois seaside town of Wimereux, a mile or so north of Boulogne.

On Friday night we went to eat at the Hotel du Centre, where waiters in black with wraparound starched white aprons serve traditional French comfort food: I had snails, skate in black butter, and a tarte aux pommes. Almost enough to restore my faith in French cooking.

On Saturday, in that fabulous sunshine which you probably shared, we went to Cap Blanc Nez, where the Germans mounted a gun so powerful that it could fire a shell as far as the coast of Kent, clearly visible in the clear air. It's one reason why the Allies invaded Normandy instead.

From the top, and the monument to the Dover Patrol ? demolished by the Germans but rebuilt after the last war ? I could see a fabulous spectacle beneath me. It was a van selling fried-to-order frites. Imagine a picnic featuring a baguette, a tub of unctuous pork rillettes, and scalding hot, salty chips, with the sun beating down, a view of the white cliffs of Dover in the distance, and a good book to read.

?The good book was One On One, by Craig Brown, which I have mentioned before. It's 101 encounters between unusual or unexpected pairings of people: the aristocratic English wastrel who ran over Hitler in Munich, but failed to finish the job, Elvis Presley meeting President Nixon, Princess Margaret watching porn with Ken Tynan and Peter Cook. Richly entertaining. At one point a butterfly landed on my Kindle, and I thought, is this a metaphor ? an endangered species meeting the digital technology which is taking over all our lives? But I thought, no, that would be stupid.

But I did recall some other curious meetings I had witnessed or heard about. Joan Baez finding herself in a lift with Henry Kissinger, and wondering what, at last, she could say to the warmongering baby-killer. But she couldn't find the words, so when he said, "I love your music," all she said was, "Why, thank you."

Many people don't know that the poet James Fenton used to be political correspondent of the New Statesman. I was in a car with him and the soon to be Liberal leader David Steel, who had been reading the modish book Small Is Beautiful by the economist E F Schumacher. "I cannot think of any situation where small is not beautiful," said Steel, with passion.

"Oh, I don't know," said Fenton. "What about a gin and tonic?"

I recall strange social melanges, such as at the Hay Festival, chatting to Barry Cryer, Christopher Hitchens and the bishop of Edinburgh, who had come down on his motorbike and was still in black leathers.

Or the bishop of Oxford at a party in London, chatting to the BBC's chief newsreader Peter Donaldson and Grayson Perry, in his full gigantic little girl's blue dress. We discussed the bishop of Southwark who had got drunk at an Irish embassy party; he had made the mistake of drinking wine, which the waiters top up for you. If you stick to Guinness or whiskey, you have to break off to go to the bar.

?Modern linguistics. Young man on a tube platform the other day: "I am totally at South Kensington."

?I popped into the Private Eye 50th anniversary exhibition, at the Victoria and Albert museum. It's worth it for the wall of cartoons, of which one made me laugh embarrassingly loud. It's by Giles Pilbrow and it shows one of those castles where men are trudging endlessly up a trompe l'oeil staircase. Two men have appeared, saying: "I'm sorry, Mr Escher, but you will have to fit disabled access."

?Listening to Desert Island Discs I reflected on how often people choose records you wouldn't want to hear again once, never mind over and over. Couldn't they have a reverse programme?

Kirsty: So, in 1969 you completed the first single-handed expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, without the use of oxygen. That was quite an achievement!

Me: It's kind of you to say so. But when I got back to UK I found that a record called Where Do You Go To My Lovely was at No 1. Absolutely ghastly, especially the bit where he goes, "yes you do, yes you do," with that sort of drippy urgency.

Kirsty: then in 1975 you finished work at the Treasury, where your bold approach to balanced interest rates is credited with rescuing the economy.

Me: Well, that's what they tell me! But, you know, that particular success was ruined for me by the way Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen was perpetually on the radio at the time. Such hysterical, pretentious twaddle! Oh, and A Space Oddity, by David Bowie. Spare us! And Hold Me Close, by David Essex. A perfectly appalling year, though I was able to take up heart surgery at the time ?

? More labels next week. In the meantime, thanks to Eileen Velarde who spotted this bilingual sign in a DIY supermarket in France: "Quincaillerie. Hardware. Ornamental screwing."

Simon Hoggart's new book, Send Up The Clowns, is published by Guardian Books at �8.99. To order a copy for �5.99 with free UK p&p, call 0330 333 6846, or visit guardian.co.uk/bookshop.


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2011/oct/21/simon-hoggart-week-france

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Is career coaching worth the cost?

A full career coaching course can set you back �4,500. We find out what you get for that ? and whether it can make a difference

The voice on the phone wants me to draw a picture of Where I'm At. I'm baffled. Where I'm at, at that moment, is in the kitchen trying to extract a tissue that's just been through a hot cycle with the children's school uniforms. "No, where you're at in life," explains the voice. "In your life Right Now."

That's the point when I begin, briefly, to panic. I'd volunteered to submit myself to one of the UK's leading career advisers, Corinne Mills of Personal Career Management (PCM), partly because the idea of talking lengthily about oneself to a captive stranger is always agreeable, and partly because jobs in newsprint are looking increasingly precarious. Flexible work that permits you to appear twice a day at the school gate is elusive, and recently I've found myself assuming my professional future will be bound up with a Tesco checkout.

Mills tells me, helpfully, that where she is, Right Now, is juggling her career with housekeeping and her picture shows herself waving a duster like somebody drowning. I realise, surprised, that I'm perfectly contented with my life as it is now; it's the fear of unbidden change that alarms me. I ponder a composition involving me dangling smugly in a well-cushioned hammock, a precipice yawning below. Then I start to fret about vanishing points and chiaroscuro. Mills, evidently clocking deep-seated neuroses before we've even met, suggests I concentrate on identifying my skills from an alphabetical checklist.

I've never had much time for counselling. Skillfully done, it can be an essential prop and motivator, I don't doubt it, but giving myself a good talking to in front of my husband's shaving mirror should, I feel, be enough to align slewed perspectives in my own privileged life. Nevertheless, I'm slightly excited as I arrive at the Buckinghamshire mansion that PCM shares with a commercial insurance broker. I have hopes that Mills will delve into my moribund CV and extract unperceived treasures that will open vistas and ease me through calamity.

"Love Monday Mornings" it says on the doorplate and on the walls inside. The receptionist leaps from her chair with a firm handshake and well-trained eye contact. There is a forest of buffed and polished foliage in the waiting area. This place is all about affirmation.

In a bright meeting room Mills begins with a glance at the homework she's set me. This is not a good beginning. The A-Z of skills, from conceptualising to quantifying, adapting to winning, has unnerved me. I discover I do not know myself. It's far easier to define the skills of one's colleagues than one's own and I've agonised over whether, if push came to shove, I could "assemble" or "certify" or "finalise". Almost randomly I've ticked "articulating", "sorting" and, with memories of that shredded tissue, "coping". And, of course, "writing", the only concrete skill I feel I possess to earn my keep.

I feel the need to apologise for the fact that I've ticked any skills at all. It seems presumptuous, un-British. "Don't be self-effacing ? this is all about playing to your strengths because recruitment isn't about who is the most talented, but who appears to an interviewer to be most talented," says Mills. "People tend to focus on the negatives and take the positives for granted."

This is surprising because a large part of her clientele are lawyers and financiers who are weary of wealth without the leisure to spend it in. But even they, it seems, are vulnerable to self doubt when it comes to leaving the familiar and marketing their assets elsewhere. "People don't come to us because they want any job, but because they want the right job," says Mills. "What we offer is a confidence-building process."

The gift of self-confidence is a pricey one. A full face-to-face course, which identifies desires and options, details job search strategies and hand-holds through the process of applying and interviewing, costs up to �4,500, although Skype sessions and a programme for new graduates are cheaper alternatives. The investment seems sound, since PCM's statistics show that 83% of clients find jobs that appeal to them and 11% set up their own businesses. "A lot of career advice companies look at your CV," says Mills, "but don't analyse who you are as a person, your needs and aspirations."

Who I am as a person remains nebulous, for my career has never required a written CV and I have left the sheets on Identifying Your Achievements largely blank. A memory surfaces about saving a couple's wedding day through my consumer help column, but mostly my 20 years in journalism have melded into a pleasant blur. It's now that Mills's skills are unleashed. She asks me to recount my job history and pounces when I start with leaving university. "Which university?" "Cambridge". "So why didn't you say so?"

I sketch my early years on the now defunct European newspaper, explaining that I edited a wine column when I never drink wine and took charge of the Arts section when I knew nothing about Arts. I'm about to add how this miraculous deception ended in redundancy, when Mills pounces again. "Evidently," she says, "you are used to having varied niche things flung at you. You're adaptable." We write down "adaptable". Even the redundancy is turned into an asset. Mills considers my adrenalin-powered overtures to rival newspapers proof of Rising to the Occasion and we write it down.

Over the next two hours Mills tells me nothing that I didn't know ? I just didn't know I knew it. It's the act of describing one's career history to an attentive listener, with the skills to decode it, that is so unexpectedly illuminating. I'm happiest listing my defects; she seizes them, inverts them and turns them into saleable virtues. I tell her that my career is largely down to luck. "There's no such thing as luck," she retorts. "It's what you make of opportunities." It's delightful to think that all those random openings I've attributed to good fortune could be down to my own skills in disguise.

With more time she would have helped build these skills into a seductive CV and schooled me in self-marketing. As it is, she instructs me to establish a website to showcase my newly identified wares and to nibble cocktail sausages with influential people. I explain that the latter is impossible. I'm no good at networking. How then, she asks, have I managed a seamless succession of media jobs? I confess that my secret lies in tea bags. I've always kept colleagues well irrigated and they remember my efficient waitressing when I'm needy.

Mills snorts. "Willingness, caring, empathy, good personal relations ?" We write them all down and ring them with marker pens so that my career history dances inspiringly before me in a pattern of rainbow coloured circles.

Heading home I feel freshly invented and equipped to embrace the adventures of middle age. The session might, or might not, secure me a fulfilling professional future, but it's made me evaluate the past in an encouragingly different light. I'm even tempted to pay a few grand to hear more. But, right now, I'm off to a mirror to see if my newly translated self is visible to the naked eye.

Career Coach: Your Personal Workbook for a Better Career by Corinne Mills (Trotman, �12.99) is out now. To order a copy for �10.39 including free UK mainland delivery, visit guardianbookshop.co.uk or call 0330 333 6846


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Kandersteg's Belle Epoque week: party like it's 1899

The Swiss village comes alive each January with dapper gents in frock coats on antique skis at its annual Belle Epoque week

"And for you, Herr Mellor, we have ?" Volunteer wardrobe mistress Nicole scans the rather paltry selection of Edwardian-ish garments on a clothes rail. My small British crew and I have arrived in the little Bernese Oberland village of Kandersteg half a day into this year's Belle Epoque week celebrations, and are paying the price for our tardiness ? come our turn at the tourist office's dressing-up box, only drag dregs remain.

As we emerge on to snow-choked streets backdropped by steep, forested mountainsides and towering cliffs striped with frozen waterfalls, Ben is Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Adrian has come over all late-Victorian funeral director while Simon appears to be channelling Pet Shop Boys' Neil Tennant. I am in a black frock coat, party-shop plastic bowler and improvised, pearl tie-pinned cravat. When I put on my comically inappropriate wraparound ski shades against the late-afternoon sunlight, I look like an Orthodox Jewish hitman from an as-yet-unmade Tarantino movie. And as the prematurely aged, time-travelling boy band we resemble sidles into the afternoon's tea dance at the Victoria Ritter hotel, we only suffer more by comparison. Elegant ladies in silk gowns, satin gloves and feathered proto-fascinators float around the ballroom on the arms of dapper gents in tailcoats and patterned waistcoats.

"Last year no one knew what to expect," says Rudi Schorer, Kandersteg's stationmaster, over champagne at the bar ? bubbly was perfected during the belle �poque, he tells me. "So people dressed in clothes belonging to their grandparents. But this year, the locals have really made efforts. Some have had outfits specially made. Some have hired costumes from other towns. And what is interesting also is that they turn society upside down. Workers dress as rich people, very nice and fancy, while professionals ? lawyers, bankers ? like to look like the farmers and labourers of the time."

Kanderstegers can't be faulted on their commitment. Horse-drawn carriages cruise the narrow streets, captained by pipe-puffing old boys in caped greatcoats.

That period of peace, optimistic social and technological progress, rude cultural health, and the (comparative) democratisation of international travel was a golden era for this tiny town. Thomas Cook brought his first British package holidaymakers here in 1864.

"The idea of Belle Epoque week," says tourism director Jerun Vils of the packed schedule of sporting, cultural and social events, "was to let people replay what a holiday would have been like at that time."

Action-packed, it would seem. The next morning, my snowboard and I ride the gondola up to Kandersteg's titchy ski area. The 21km of runs are short and gentle, but they sit close to some heart-stopping, Unesco world heritage-approved scenery, including Oeschinen lake, whose thick ice today affords some hikers on snowshoes a bottom-to-top, nose-to-rock look at the sheer faces of the 3,663m Bl�emlisalp, which plunges vertically into its spring-fed depths. Although Kandersteg is nowadays primarily a summer destination, frozen water chutes make it a world-class ice-climbing spot.

One schnapps-fuelled curling match later, I'm putting on skis for the first time in my life to try out another of Kandersteg's specialities. With 76km of prepared trails, the town's generous valley floor makes it Switzerland's number three resort for cross-country skiing. I skid across snow fields and nip into the perfect silence of thick stands of pines, before it's time to watch an olde-worlde bobsleigh race back in town. The local carpenter and blacksmith have built several sleds to authentic 1910 designs for the occasion, and the track is lined with spectators. Races done, there's barely time for a shower before my frock coat and I are due at the Waldhotel Doldenhorn for a musical dinner, with salon songs provided by a soprano and a pianist spirited in from Zurich.

Even on my way to the station at the end of my trip, I'm still discovering just how much the local people have got behind this unique idea. In the window of the town's supermarket, transformed by some ye-olde window-dressing into a faux-early 20th century grocer's shopfront, a chalkboard announces a thrilling new advance in toilet paper technology. This tissue, it boasts, comes on a "roll".

? Kandersteg's Belle Epoque week runs from 22-29 January 2012 (+41 33 675 8080, kandersteg.ch/en/belle_epoque). Swiss (swiss.com) flies Heathrow-Zurich from �115 return. Full board trips to Kandersteg, including flights, with Swiss Travel Service (0844 879 8002, swisstravelski.co.uk) cost from �535pp for a week, and �359pp for three days


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2011/oct/21/kandersteg-switzerland-winter-sports-ski

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